How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
"I don't know ... what do you think???"

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.  He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.  He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?  I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
   The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.  You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." 
   "You must be a production manager," said the balloonist. 
   "I am." replied the woman, "How did you know?" 
   "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost.   Frankly, you've not been much help so far." 
   The woman below responded, "You must be a producer." 
   "I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you know?" 
   "Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going.  You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.  You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.  The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

How many production designers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Well, just one.  But does it have to be a light bulb?"

How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why should I care?  That's a picture thing."  ...or... 
"Better not - without it, you won't see the boom in shot."

How many old cameramen does it take to change a light bulb? 
Three -  one to change it and two to reminisce about how much better they were in the good old days of film.
"Some of my best friends are old cameramen - I keep them on the end of a mixer cable so I know where they are" says Mary.

How many news editors does it take to change a light bulb?
"Can't you just film it so it doesn't look broken?"

What's the difference between a sound recordist and a camel?
A camel has always got the hump.

How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
"What?"
How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
"Eh?"
How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hang on - I've got a little problem."
How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
"Sorry, can we cut for a moment while I sort this out?"

A YTV sound supervisor was concerned that his wife was going deaf.  He consulted his doctor who suggested that he go home and ask his wife a question, starting at 40 feet and getting 10 feet nearer until she could hear him.
   He went home and stopped at the front door, "What's for tea tonight dear?" he said.  Nothing came back.  He moved another 10 feet closer to the lounge door, 30 feet, and asked again, "What's for tea tonight dear?"  Still nothing so he went to the dining room door, "What's for tea tonight dear?" She must be really deaf he thought as he walked to the kitchen door, just 10 feet from her. "What's for tea tonight dear?" 
She replied, "For the fourth time, it's chicken!"

What's the difference between a DoP and God?
God doesn't think he's a DoP! :-)

How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
"I asked for that light bulb to be changed half an hour ago!"

How many production managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, but you can only have three.

How many sparks does it take to change a light bulb?
Five.  One to change the light bulb and four to tell you about the one they changed in LA last year.

How many feminist sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - one to change the bulb and four to celebrate the passivity of the bulb.

(alternatively, the other answer is: "ONE!!!!!")

Why are sound recordists such balanced people?
They've got a mixer on one shoulder and a chip on the other.

What's the difference between a sound recordist and a coconut?
You can get a drink out of a coconut.

How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
"LIGHT BULB?  WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO THE LIGHT BULB?"

How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
"Can I see it again without the light bulb?"

How many continuity girls does it take to change a light bulb?
"What light bulb?"

How do you know when a grip is dead?
When the doughnut falls out of his mouth.

Why do grips use dollies?
To stop their knuckles from dragging.

How many clients does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Can't we make do with the one we've got?"

King Rollo lives in the sewers under the fast lane and is "one of Britain's best acoustic blues performers" or so said Paul Jones on BBC Radio 2.

King Rollo's website

How many sound recordists does it take to break a light bulb?
None - the woolly dog did it.

How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
None - that's a production assistant's job!

What do you get asked if the production assistant has a bachelor of arts degree?
"Would you like a large fries with that?"

How do you get a sound recordist to change a light bulb in 15 minutes?
Put two of them in a bra.

How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he's been driving round for ages trying to find it.

How many news editors does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  "Can't the crew just pop out to change it on their way to the next job?"

How many programme managers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why do we have to change it?  Can't it be repaired?"

How many news cameramen does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, plus a journalist to take all the credit.

How many people at head office does it take to change a light bulb?
Head office never changes light bulbs - they prefer to keep the rest of us in the dark.

How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
50.  One to insert the bulb and 49 to screw the whole thing up.

How many boring sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

How tall is a sound recordist?
No idea?  Neither have I, I've never seen one standing up.

A producer walked over to his cameraman and asked "How tall is your sound recordist?"
The operator replied, "I'm never quite sure, he's always sitting either hunched over his mixer or sitting up drinking a coffee!"

How many Californian sound recordists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support and four to relate to the experience.

How many sparks does it take to change a light bulb?
One - but don't let on to the production manager.

How many old film recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
"'Course it wasn't light bulbs in the old days. We used carbon arcs. We got paid a decent whack then as well. Remember the ITN White Book? You youngsters don't know you're born. The weight of the Nagras, bloody noisy film cameras mutter mutter..."

How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
"Better train the cameraman to do it, they're doing so much bleedin' sound now."

How many cameramen does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Better train up a journalist, they're shooting so much video now."

From the dear, dead days of a strong union...
Cameraman, while shooting a countryside piece: "I see the snowdrops are out."
Union-minded sound recordist: "That doesn't affect us, brother."

How many BBC directors general does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why do we need to change it? This one's done us very well for forty-five years!"

How many riggers does it take to change a light bulb?  Thirteen.  One to hold the light bulb and twelve to turn the ladder.

How many floor managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five...four...three...two...and...

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Six.  One to change it and five to say "I could have done it better."

A production assistant walks into a bar, with a clipboard under her arm and a parrot on her head.  The barman asks "Where did you get that?" and the parrot says "Outside mate, there's hundreds of them."

How many BBC managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.  One to mix the gin & tonics and one to call 'Head Of Light Bulbs, Television' and get him to send a man round.

In the playground how can you tell which are the sound recordist's children?
They're the ones at the back watching the other kids play!

How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
"I've got equipment that will do that but it'll cost you extra."

How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
"You can't change it now, it will never match"

How many BBC managers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Ah, you want a decision that quickly?"

The film set of today is really the palace of the 16th century.  There, one sees what Shakespeare saw;  the absolute power of the tyrant, the courtiers, the flatterers, the jesters, the cunningly ambitious intriguers.  There are fantastically beautiful women, there are incompetent favourites.  There are great men who are suddenly disgraced.  There is the most insane extravagance and unexpected parsimony over a few pence.  There is enormous splendour, which is a sham; and also horrible squalor hidden behind the scenery.  There are vast schemes, abandoned because of some caprice.  There are secrets which everybody knows and no one speaks of.  There are even two or three honest advisers.  These are the court fools, who speak the deepest wisdom in puns, lest they should be taken seriously.  They grimace, and tear their hair privately, and weep.  And they all want headphones!!  (apologies to Christopher Isherwood)

How many commissioning editors does it take to change a light bulb?
Six.  One to change the light bulb and the other five to say it was their idea first.

How many commissioning editors does it take to change a light bulb?
All of them, they just all try to do it slightly differently.

How many TV presenters does it take to change a light bulb?
Five.  One to call the agent, one to remember what they are supposed to do, one to try it without Autocue, one to have a hissy fit and another one to remember what they are supposed to do.

How many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
"One two.  One two.  One two..."

How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?
1, 2,2,2,2

What's the difference between a dogand a sound recordist?
You can train a dog.

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Four.  One to go up the ladder and three to say "That ought to be me up there!"

How many directors does it take to change a light bulb?
"... just fix it in post!"

What's the difference between a camera operator and a lighting cameraperson?
A matte box!

How do u know when a producer is reading a script?
U can see his lips move.
(Only for male producers - women are smart! :)

"That's me with my producer - he's really demanding, and I gotta carry him around a lot, BUT I can tell when he's reading my script" says Jyothi.

How many lighting cameramen does it take to change a light bulb?
One.  Better make that two.

How many PBS producers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six.  One to research, four to fly to London to buy the light bulb and one to screw it in.

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.  One to screw it in and one to give it a surprising twist at the end.

We've all heard the jokes about changing light bulbs - how the producer seriously questions the need for such an expense; the writer refuses to change a thing; the director hmmmmms, defers to the nearest person then asks to see it again without the light bulb; the DoP rather likes it dark; the cameraman flicks in gain while set design/props (read PA/DA/work experience kid) question if it really has to be a light bulb and would anyone like milk and sugar with that.  The talent inevitably want to know their motivation for this new, light bulb challenged role (and take offence because they weren't referred to as actors). Audio, on account of the time of day, change their tune from expressing a need to replace every light because they're all buzzing, to suggesting they'll fix it in the mix; GFX mumbles something about rendering and the editor simply says "You don't make changes in online."

By this stage, the production has made its way to the new media department. "I can change the light bulb," says the web designer, "but you'll need the right plug-in to see it."

So how did we get here?  Let's face it, it's all the grip's fault - he broke the light in the first place.

How many planning desk editors does it take to change a light bulb?
TBA.

How many sound recordists who are happy with their job does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them.

How many sound recordists who use rental equipment does it take to change a light bulb?
Two.  One who is holding the bulb, standing on a Nagra to reach the ceiling, the other one assists by turning the soundcart under him, using the boompole as a grip.

"Soundmen always seem to be preoccupied with other things. It's as if being a soundman, he's heard a lot of things, some of which he's still coming to terms with."

How many light bulbs does it take to change a camera operator into a DOP?

The answer is 28.  One PR executive needs to hear on the grapevine that a light bulb will soon be changed; one will confirm the rumour; one will discover the light bulb being changed lasted a record length of time for bulbs of its type; and one will decide whether a media event is needed to celebrate the changing.  This represents the preparatory research phase. 
   It is then necessary to draft in one executive to calculate the number of people on whom the bulb has shone (including dignitaries, by name) and another to discover the replacement will last longer and cost less.
   The next requirement is a PR to research online the history of light bulbs and prepare a white paper on the subject.  Another will need to arrange a Light Bulbs Through the Years display at a prominent museum. 
   One PR will prepare a statistical analysis of the number of workers who could be affected by the change, and another will write a news release, two background features and update the factsheet.
   So, on to the nuts and bolts of media placement.  One PR is needed to compile a media list of appropriate trade publications; one to suggest using a VNR or B-roll to reach broadcast media nationwide; one to schedule a press conference and/or media tour; one to write an invitation letter; and one to make follow-up calls.
   One is required to prepare the press kits; one to develop a comprehensive Q&A to deflect any tough questions about light bulb usage; one to handle arrangements for travel to and from events; one to handle news enquiries after the release goes out and another to rehearse the speakers.
   Then, of course, there's one to test the replacement bulb before the media arrive; one to get a spare in case something happens to the first bulb; one to hold the chair for the maintenance worker who will actually do the changing; one to write a "home town" news release about the maintenance worker; one to mail press kits to reporters who missed the event; one to prepare a report for top management explaining who attended and what the event accomplished; one to study how a similar event could be handled more efficiently in the future; and, finally, one to work out the hours involved and mail an invoice to the client.

Ripped off from an article by Mark Borkowski