  This
one from Brooke
Wilson, formerly a bunny girl, a prize-winning
Sydney-based producer and Triple
J newsreader, now a baby-factory.
How many producers does it take to change a light
bulb?
"I don't know ... what do you think???"
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit
more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend
I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between
40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a production manager," said the balloonist.
"I am." replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told
me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information,
and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be a producer."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "But how did you
know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are
or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a
large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea
how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is
you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault!" |
 Bill
Clark of Origami Films (rumours that they've folded
are completely untrue) asks...
How many production designers
does it take to change a light bulb?
"Well, just one. But does it have
to be a light bulb?" |
 |
| Bristol's
Mary
Milton (above) says "Let me be the first
sound
recordist to contribute to your light bulb jokes, although I think
you are a bit tough on us and our furry friends - Rycotes have feelings
too, you know." (No they don't - Ed)
How many sound recordists does it take to change
a light bulb?
"Why should I care? That's a picture thing." ...or...
"Better not - without it, you won't see the boom in shot."
How many old cameramen does it take to change a
light bulb?
Three - one to change it and two to reminisce about how much
better they were in the good old days of film.
"Some of my best friends are old cameramen - I keep them
on the end of a mixer cable so I know where they are" says Mary. |
 ITV
Meridian news reporter and badger-worrier Malcolm
Shaw says that he looked like a supermarket vegetable
supervisor in that jacket...
How many news editors does
it take to change a light bulb?
"Can't you just film it so it doesn't look broken?" |
 Michael
Danks, seen here on a camel, is a Sussex-based sound
recordist and Avid editor. He has two hats, which he frequently
wears when walking on the Sussex
heritage coast...
What's the difference between a sound recordist
and a camel?
A camel has always got the hump.
How many sound recordists does it take to change
a light bulb?
"What?"
How many sound recordists does it take to change
a light bulb?
"Eh?"
How many sound recordists does it take to change
a light bulb?
"Hang on - I've got a little problem."
How many sound recordists does it take to change
a light bulb?
"Sorry, can we cut for a moment while I sort this out?" |
 Chris
Greaves is head of sound at Yorkshire Television
and says "Love the website!"
A YTV sound supervisor was concerned that his wife
was going deaf. He consulted his doctor who suggested that he go
home and ask his wife a question, starting at 40 feet and getting 10 feet
nearer until she could hear him.
He went home and stopped at the front door, "What's for
tea tonight dear?" he said. Nothing came back. He moved another
10 feet closer to the lounge door, 30 feet, and asked again, "What's for
tea tonight dear?" Still nothing so he went to the dining room door,
"What's for tea tonight dear?" She must be really deaf he thought as he
walked to the kitchen door, just 10 feet from her. "What's for tea tonight
dear?"
She replied, "For the fourth time, it's chicken!"
What's the difference between a DoP and God?
God doesn't think he's a DoP! :-) |
| Another
sound
recordist writes! Roger Slater from
Worcestershire has the sauce to say...
How many directors does it
take to change a light bulb?
"I asked for that light bulb to be changed half
an hour ago!"
How many production managers
does it take to change a light bulb?
Five, but you can only have three.
How many sparks does it take
to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb and
four to tell you about the one they changed in LA last year. |
  Sonja
Henrici is from Germany, and learnt English from
sheep
in New Zealand. She often ponders in monochrome...
How many feminist sound recordists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - one to change the bulb and four to celebrate
the passivity of the bulb.
(alternatively, the other answer is: "ONE!!!!!") |
 An
absolute bumper bundle comes from amphibious
Andy Fairgrieve
of
Prima
Vista in London...
Why are sound recordists
such balanced people?
They've got a mixer on one shoulder and a chip
on the other.
What's the difference between a
sound
recordist and a coconut?
You can get a drink out of a coconut.
How many producers does it
take to change a light bulb?
"LIGHT BULB? WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE
TO THE LIGHT BULB?"
How many directors does it
take to change a light bulb?
"Can I see it again without the light bulb?"
How many continuity girls
does it take to change a light bulb?
"What light bulb?" |
| Bruce
from
Brighton describes himself as a "nextgen always aspiring grip"...
How do you know when a grip
is dead?
When the doughnut falls out of his mouth.
Why do grips use dollies?
To stop their knuckles from dragging. |
 Blues
guitarist King Rollo writes...
How many clients does it
take to change a light bulb?
None. "Can't we make do with the one we've got?"
King Rollo lives in the sewers under
the fast lane and is "one of Britain's best acoustic blues performers"
or so said Paul Jones on 
Radio 2.
|
 This
from Sydney-based multi-skilled sound recordist Nige
Fox...
How many sound recordists does
it take to break a light bulb?
None - the woolly dog did it.
How many sound recordists
does it take to change a light bulb?
None - that's a production assistant's job!
What do you get asked if the production
assistant has a bachelor of arts degree?
"Would you like a large fries with that?"
How do you get a sound recordist
to change a light bulb in 15 minutes?
Put two of them in a bra. |
| Double-barrelled
cameraman Noël Greaves-Lord asked his
butler to send the following...
How many sound recordists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he's been driving round for ages
trying to find it.
How many news editors does
it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Can't the crew just pop out to change
it on their way to the next job?"
How many programme managers
does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why do we have to change it? Can't it
be repaired?"
(This next one is so true it
hurts
- Ed)
How many news cameramen
does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, plus a journalist to take all
the credit. |
 Paul
Belverstone presents sport and
reads
the news for ITV Meridian...
How many people at head office
does it take to change a light bulb?
Head office never changes light bulbs - they
prefer to keep the rest of us in the dark.
How many directors does it
take to change a light bulb?
50. One to insert the bulb and 49 to screw
the whole thing up.
How many boring sound recordists
does it take to change a light bulb?
One. |
| Sound
recordist
Ken Kidston
is from lovely Slough...
How tall is a sound recordist?
No idea? Neither have I, I've never seen
one standing up. |
  Carl
Edwards (Dafydd to his friends) is ITV Wales's sheep
correspondent...
How many Californian sound recordists does it take
to screw in a light bulb?
Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support and four to relate to the
experience. |
| Sound
man and keen trade unionist Nick
Flowers doesn't know any jokes about recordists,
but sends in this...
How many sparks does it take
to change a light bulb?
One - but don't let on to the production manager. |
| Audio
visual producer and self-confessed media tart Steve
Thomson from STPP
says...
How many directors general of
the
does it take to change a light bulb?
"Why do we need to change it? This one's
done us very well for forty-five years!"
How many riggers does it
take to change a light bulb? Thirteen. One to hold the
light bulb and twelve to turn the ladder.
How many floor managers does
it take to change a light bulb?
Five...four...three...two...and...
How many actors does it take
to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change it and five to say "I
could have done it better."
A production assistant walks
into a bar, with a clipboard under her arm and a parrot on her head.
The barman asks "Where did you get that?" and the parrot says "Outside
mate, there's hundreds of them." |
 Jonathan
Pagden, "ex-
graphics, sound recordist, OB sound etc etc (in other words, freelance!)"
writes "Love the site!"...
How many
managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to mix the gin & tonics and one to call 'Head Of
Light Bulbs, Television' and get him to send a man round. |
| Sound
recordist Alan Hill, who
divides his time between Portsmouth and London, says "Loved the website,
bloody fantastic!" What a nice man.
In the playground how can you tell
which are the sound recordist's children?
They're the ones at the back watching the other
kids play!
How many sound recordists
does it take to change a light bulb?
"I've got equipment that will do that but it'll
cost you extra." |
 New
Zealand sound recordist Grant
Finlay (see remarkable picture below) asks...
How many sound recordists does it take to change
a light bulb?
"You can't change it now, it will never match"
 |
 This
from Bristol-based sound recordist John
D Wilson...
How many
managers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Ah, you want a decision that quickly?"
John also suggests these crew collective nouns...
| A pardon of recordists |
A soft of cameramen |
| An oops of boom ops |
A strain of grips |
| A stumble of presenters |
A scavenge of supporting artists |
| A drift of extras |
A hoover of extras |
| A picky of script girls |
A chatter of make-up |
|
| A
bitching
of wardrobe girls |
A thicket of drivers |
| An incompetence
of runners |
"Just
three alternative collective nouns for your page" says Oldham production
sound mixer Malcolm
Davies...
The film set of today
is really the palace of the 16th century. There, one sees what
Shakespeare saw; the absolute power of the tyrant, the courtiers,
the flatterers, the jesters, the cunningly ambitious intriguers.
There are fantastically beautiful women, there are incompetent favourites.
There are great men who are suddenly disgraced. There is the most
insane extravagance and unexpected parsimony over a few pence. There
is enormous splendour, which is a sham; and also horrible squalor hidden
behind the scenery. There are vast schemes, abandoned because of
some caprice. There are secrets which everybody knows and no one
speaks of. There are even two or three honest advisers. These
are the court fools, who speak the deepest wisdom in puns, lest they should
be taken seriously. They grimace, and tear their hair privately,
and weep. And they all want headphones!!
(apologies to Christopher Isherwood) |
 Producer/director
Shaun Fenton from Diesel
Films works closely with commissioning editors...
How many commissioning editors does it take to
change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the light bulb and the other five to say it
was their idea first.
How many commissioning editors does it take to
change a light bulb?
All of them, they just all try to do it slightly differently.
How many TV presenters does it take to change a
light bulb?
Five. One to call the agent, one to remember what they are supposed
to do, one to try it without Autocue, one to have a hissy fit and another
one to remember what they are supposed to do. |
| Portsmouth's
Richard Austin, a sound and VT operator,
comes up with...
How many sound recordists
does it take to change a light bulb?
"One two. One two. One two..." |
 A
similar oldie but goldie from cameraman Dan Martland...
How many soundmen does it
take to change a light bulb?
1, 2,2,2,2 |
 Pat
Heigham did the sound effects on Doctor Who
in the 1960s and now finds himself "fighting back for sound recordists!"
What's the difference between a
dog
and a sound recordist?
You can train a dog. |
 Charles
Minx from Crescent City, California says "This retired
cameraman couldn't stop reading and laughing. May I add one to
the list?"
How many actors does it take
to change a light bulb?
Four. One to go up the ladder and three
to say "That ought to be me up there!" |
 Andy
Barnett works in lighting technical support at
Arri
GB...
How many directors does it take to change a light
bulb?
"... just fix it in post!" |
 Sussex
producer and camerawoman Trudi Davies
sends this gem...
What's the difference between a
camera
operator and a lighting cameraperson?
A matte box! |
| "Congratulations
on your light bulb joke page" says
sound supervisor Mike Felton. He's
the webmaster of the Institute of Broadcast
Sound, so it's irritating to discover that a web page which was
intended to annoy sound recordists the world over is having the opposite
effect! |
  Jyothi
Kapur Das is an editor, director and scriptwriter
in Mumbai...
How do u know when a producer
is reading a script?
U can see his lips move.
(Only for male producers - women
are smart! :)
"That's me with my producer - he's
really demanding, and I gotta carry him around a lot, BUT I can tell when
he's reading my script" says Jyothi. |
 John
Garrett of Boston, Massachusetts says "Dammit Jim,
I'm a sound man, not a miracle worker!" Don't they all say
that?
How many lighting cameramen does it take to change
a light bulb?
One. Better make that two.
How many PBS producers does it take to change a
light bulb?
Six. One to research, four to fly to London to buy the light
bulb and one to screw it in.
How many mystery writers does it take to change
a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to give it a surprising twist
at the end. |
 Mary
Tulip in Australia is a "once-upon-a-time
producer
/ director / editor who preferred outdoor docos" and has heard it all
before...
We've all heard the jokes about
changing light bulbs - how the producer seriously questions the
need for such an expense; the writer refuses to change a thing;
the director
hmmmmms, defers to the nearest person then asks to
see it again without the light bulb; the DoP rather likes it dark;
the cameraman flicks in gain while set design/props
(read PA/DA/work experience kid) question if it really has to be
a light bulb and would anyone like milk and sugar with that. The
talent
inevitably
want to know their motivation for this new, light bulb challenged role
(and take offence because they weren't referred to as actors).
Audio,
on account of the time of day, change their tune from expressing a need
to replace every light because they're all buzzing, to suggesting they'll
fix it in the mix; GFX mumbles something about rendering and the
editor
simply says "You don't make changes in online."
By this stage, the production has
made its way to the new media department. "I can change the light
bulb," says the web designer, "but you'll need the right plug-in
to see it."
So how did we get here? Let's face it, it's
all the grip's fault - he broke the light in the first place. |
 "Great
site" says David George who
reports on sharks
and surfing for
Spotlight in Cornwall.
How many planning desk editors
does it take to change a light bulb?
TBA. |
  Stefan
Lang is a Swiss sound recordist who announces
"the use of some special kind of sound equipment (see pic), especially
to producers who underestimate the conditions for good sound." He
describes it as a "two channel location recorder"...
How many sound recordists who
are happy with their job does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many sound recordists who
use rental equipment does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One who is holding the bulb, standing
on a Nagra to reach the ceiling, the other one assists by turning the soundcart
under him, using the boompole as a grip. |
| Derek
Pascoe is an Australian cameraman...
Why do soundos prefer working
weekends?
The papers are bigger! |
| Richard
Leney from London writes "As a trainee sound recordist
I thought I would pose this question to a camera operator..."
How many light bulbs does it take to change a
camera operator into a DOP? |
 Christian
Gill is an assistant director.
He says "Excellent response to your light bulb page - hilarious!!!"
How many actors does it take
to change a light bulb?
"What's my motivation for this? I mean,
I'm not really 'feeling' the light bulb here." |
| How many PR
executives does it take to change a light bulb?
The answer is 28. One PR executive
needs to hear on the grapevine that a light bulb will soon be changed;
one will confirm the rumour; one will discover the light bulb being changed
lasted a record length of time for bulbs of its type; and one will decide
whether a media event is needed to celebrate the changing. This represents
the preparatory research phase.
It is then necessary to draft in
one executive to calculate the number of people on whom the bulb has shone
(including dignitaries, by name) and another to discover the replacement
will last longer and cost less.
The next requirement is a PR to
research online the history of light bulbs and prepare a white paper on
the subject. Another will need to arrange a Light Bulbs Through the
Years display at a prominent museum.
One PR will prepare a statistical
analysis of the number of workers who could be affected by the change,
and another will write a news release, two background features and update
the factsheet.
So, on to the nuts and bolts of
media placement. One PR is needed to compile a media list of appropriate
trade publications; one to suggest using a VNR or B-roll to reach broadcast
media nationwide; one to schedule a press conference and/or media tour;
one to write an invitation letter; and one to make follow-up calls.
One is required to prepare the press
kits; one to develop a comprehensive Q&A to deflect any tough questions
about light bulb usage; one to handle arrangements for travel to and from
events; one to handle news enquiries after the release goes out and another
to rehearse the speakers.
Then, of course, there's one to
test the replacement bulb before the media arrive; one to get a spare in
case something happens to the first bulb; one to hold the chair for the
maintenance worker who will actually do the changing; one to write a "home
town" news release about the maintenance worker; one to mail press kits
to reporters who missed the event; one to prepare a report for top management
explaining who attended and what the event accomplished; one to study how
a similar event could be handled more efficiently in the future; and, finally,
one to work out the hours involved and mail an invoice to the client.
Ripped off from an article by Mark
Borkowski |
From TV Go Home |
|
 Amos
Clarke is a California-based British rockabilly
cameraman and web designer. He does kung fu, likes motorbikes
and has a long history of fearsome quiffs.
"I moved to LA to forget" says Amos.
Forget what? "I can't remember".
How many cameramen does it
take to change a light bulb?
"None. Whaddya think gain is for?" |
| Dana
Hughes is an editor in Australia...
How many on-line editors
does it take to change a light bulb?
"I'm sorry - you can't make changes in on-line." |
political editor Peter Henley used
to read the news against a tasteful background on commercial television.
He suggests these splendid jokes...
How many
press officers does it take to change a light bulb?
"If you leave your name and number we'll get
back to you next week."
How do you get three Pikachus
on a bus?
You Pokemon! |
| One
from someone dare nunder who would rather remain anonymous.
How many Australian sound recordists
does it take to change a light bulb?
"Strewth mate, I'll do it by myself. Bugger
the union rate, I'll do it for my beer money. Stone the crows, I've
broken it." |
 And
two more from David Southam,
on-line editor
here in sunny Sussex...
How many on-line editors
does it take to change a light bulb?
"Are you really sure you want to change that
light bulb?"
 How
many
6 O'Clock News picture editors does it take to change a light bulb?
"Oh just leave it in for now, we don't have time
to change it. We'll change it for the 10 though."
|
| Tom
Mountford is a graphic designer and VT editor
in
Norfolk, where the potatoes come from...
How many sound recordists
does it take to change a light bulb?
However many it took to break it!
How many make-up artists
does it take to change a light bulb?
"It depends what shade you want"
How many pyros does it take
to change a light bulb?
"Sod the lights, look what they've done to the
rest of the house!" |
 Broadcast
engineer Waylaid Twisted-Deviant
(surely
"Wayland Twiston-Davies"? Ed) was once
exposed to sound recordists as part of a cruel medical experiment
and
forced to move to California.
How many production assistants
does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to stand on a ladder changing
the bulb and the other five to stand at the bottom saying "Well, we all
know how she got up there."
What's the difference between an
outside
broadcast engineer and a toilet?
A toilet only has to deal with one arsehole at
a time!
Two senior engineers are
in an OB truck; one says to the other: "I say, Ken, when did you last have
sex?"
Ken replies sadly "1959."
"That's not bad" says Dave, glancing
at his watch. "It's only 2030 now!"
What do broadcast engineers
use for contraception?
Their personalities! |
 Multi-skilled
Declan Browne does camera, sound and editing
in Dublin...
What's the difference between a
sound recordist and a generator?
The genny stops whining when the shoot's over. |
  News
and OB cameraman Charles Tanner who's
based in Strasbourg, writes...
How many directors does it
take to change a light bulb?
"Just shoot it!"
Combien de réalisateurs
faut-il pour changer une ampoule?
"Moteur! On verra après"
How many directors of photography
does it take to change a light bulb?
"A light bulb? Where?"
Combien de directeurs photo
faut-il pour changer une ampoule?
"Une ampoule? Où ca?" |
 Morten
Furst, seen below, murdering a crocodile with sound
recording, has found a niche market as a
Danish sound recordist
in
Queensland, Australia...
Why is it that a sound recordist can only count
to two?
Because on 3, you usually have to lift something.
 |
| Kent-based
sound recordist Geoff Smyth claims
to look like a cross between Ricky Tomlinson and Clement Freud. Sounds
beardy...
How many sound recordists
does it take to change a light bulb?
"Yes yes, change 'em all, please. Every
flippin' one is buzzing."
How many "actooooors" does
it take to change a light bulb?
Just the one; all he has to do is hold
it up in the air, because the entire world will revolve around him. |
 Notorious
Welshman and Eddie Izzard-lookalike Greg Hughes
is a director of Solutions Audio
Visual in Somerset, quite near Wales, isn't it?
What did the sound recordist get on his IQ test?
Saliva.
What's the difference between a sound technician
and a terrorist?
You can bargain with a terrorist. |
 Lighting
man Steve Burrell has
more twirly lights than you can shake a stick at...
Why doesn't a cameraman open
his office blinds in the morning?
Because that would give him fanny all to do in
the afternoon.
Ha ha, very funny Steve. |
| This
one arrives from Lorna Wilson "on behalf of
Matt
Holdich,VT op extraordinaire"...
How many executive producers
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One - he/she just holds it up there and waits
for the world to revolve around him/her.
Lorna also asks...
Why does it take three female
VT operators with PMT two days to change a light bulb?
"LOOKFUCKINGHELLWE'REDEALING
WITHALLTHISSHITASFASTASWECAN
CANYOUJUSTGIVEUSABREAKFOR
FIVEMINUTES?
NOWFUCKOFF!" |
 Former
glum Gosport cameraman Leonard
Lee is now smiling from Southsea...
A director walks onto the
set and sees the sound man hanging onto the top of one of the redhead
stands. He turns to the cameraman and asks "What's your sound man
doing up there?"
"Oh, nothing. He just thinks that
he's a light bulb."
Confused, the director says "Why
don't you tell him to get down so that we can get on with the shoot?"
"What, and work in the dark?" |
 Camera
assistant Chris Burton from
Manchester is king of all the lizards. He sends less of a joke and
more of an advertisement for his noble profession...
How many camera assistants does it take to change
a light bulb?
None - it's already been done! |
| Daniel
Clarke is a Sussex sound recordist who likes to
live dangerously...
How do you know if there's a cameraman
at the dinner table?
He'll tell you. |
| Editor
Cliff
Homow from Editgarden
writes...
How many directors does it take to change a light
bulb?
"What? There's more than one director?" |
News cameraman
Jon Brotherton
specialises in filming his workplace being bombed...
How many VT editors does
it take to change a light bulb?
"Look I'll tell you if it needs f**king changing,
OK?" |
 Our
first contributor from the USA! Tom Curley,
a sound recordist in Hollywood, has the look of recordists the world
over...
How many set decorators does
it take to change a light bulb?
"Does it have to be a light bulb?"
How many teamsters does it
take to change a light bulb?
"Fifteen. You got a fuckin' problem with that?!"
A producer, a DoP
and a director are walking down the beach together discussing their
upcoming production. They happen upon an ancient oil lamp, which they decide
is the lamp of the genie. They wrestle it out of the sand and polish
it up. The genie appears!
He decides that each one gets just
one wish. The DoP steps forward. "I want to be whisked away to a
mountain-top where I will be bathed in eternally perfect light from daybreak
to dusk."
Poof! The DoP is gone.
The director steps forward and says
"I want to be the king of my own island where I will raise a race of perfect
human beings for me to control forever!"
Poof! The director is gone.
The producer hangs up his cell phone,
and the genie asks "What is your wish?" to which the producer screams "I
want those two fuckers back here right now!" |
| This
huge collection is from veteran Hollywood sound recordist and author
of Sync Sound
with the New Media Wolf Seeberg
"who sometimes wonders about everything and most anybody."
How many union lighting technicians does it take
to change a light bulb?
"It's not a bulb, it's a globe."
How many directors does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Just one ... but how do you get him in there with the cute blonde?
How many DoPs does it take to change a light bulb?
"One. No, two. No... how many do we have on the truck?"
How many art directors does it take to change a
light bulb?
"Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this fabulous rococo candelabra."
How many stuntmen does it take to change a light
bulb?
Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked
doing it.
How many wardrobe people does it take to change
a light bulb?
"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!"
How many over-eager PAs does it take to change
a light bulb?
"Done!"
How many executive producers does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
Executive producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot
tub.
How many agents does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
How many development executives does it take to
change a light bulb?
"Well, first let's talk about the concept behind this whole 'light
bulb' thing."
How many development executives does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to take notes while the other screws it into the faucet.
(That's
a tap in the UK - Ed)
How many screenwriters does it take to change in
a light bulb?
None - "The bulb's IN and it's staying IN!"
How many 1st ADs does it take to change a light
bulb?
"Why the f**k are you asking me that question? Can't you see
I'm busy!"
How many 2nd ADs does it take to change a light
bulb?
"Uh...standby, (finger on the walkie) I'll check on that."
How many UPMs does it take to change a light bulb?
None! "If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing
around with all these damn light bulbs!"
How many fire safety guys does it take to change
a light bulb?
One - but it's an 8 hour minimum.
How many studio executives does it take to change
a light bulb?
No one knows. Light bulbs last longer than studio executives. |
| Kevin
Bryant is a student member of the Institute of
Broadcast Sound. Kevin talks like a fully-fledged sound recordist
- please email if you
know what the heck he's on about.
Question: How many sound engineers does it
take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Five
Explanation (technical):
One to drive the switch.
One to change the bulb.
Three to debate endlessly whether the bulb should be
wired base hot or thread hot such that it doesn't radiate out of phase
and cancel out the other lights. |
 Blonde
camera-bird
Annabel
Watts writes...
How many natural blondes does
it take to think of a light bulb joke?
I'll let you know when I've thought of the answer. |
 Sydney
cameraman
Mal
Hamilton, seen here doing what Australian cameramen
do, "borrowed" several gags from here for his
own site, so here's some stolen from him in an act of senseless
retribution.
How many Avid editors does it take to change a
light bulb?
"Well, the Mac's crashed again, Avid Support won't come because we
used non-Avid paperclips on the script but I did one version WITH the light
bulb, one completely without and a variation sort-of using the light bulb
and sort-of NOT, you know, just a hint of not-light bulb but with a definite
light bulbness. I'll just reboot to show you."
How many production managers does it take to change
a light bulb?
Well, first, it depends on the total cost; then if there's any overtime
required and third, if a reliable supply of light bulbs can be found locally.
Otherwise the light bulb has to be replaced entirely with something else.
Maybe a pot plant, we've got some spare pot plants, couldn't we use those?
How many ABC staff (apparently the ABC is a
bit like the
- Ed) does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody really knows but you'd need one to check the stores situation,
one to fill in the TVLtBlb Req Form (TV-LBR-01), one to send the form to
HdTVOps (LtBlbs) (NSW) (Acting) and triplicates to HdMnglssFrms (Acting).
Plus another three to form an assessment panel to decide if the bulb was
changed efficiently. Another to act as union rep to make sure Staff
Association rules are strictly adhered to. Then again, you'd need
to count the one or two away on a flexiday, one off on a management course,
two on an assessment course being assessed and another four doing the assessing,
with one spare who is job-sharing and it's not their day today anyway.
Two off on stress leave, one acting as replacement for another off somewhere
nobody actually knows. Last, you'd need someone to order a replacement
bulb before the one in the store can be let go because it's a SPARE and
if it gets used then there'll be no spare in the store will there? |
| Andrew
Rendle is a freelance sound engineer in Plymouth
who loves this website...
How many runners does it
take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it and nine to say "why didn't
I get that job?" |
 Onno
Perdijk, a key grip at Solid Grip in the Netherlands
says "Hello there, for the x-th time I have enjoyed the jokes ... great"
How many grips do you need to change a light bulb?
Grips don't care
A grip solution could be to put down a circular
track with a crane on it with the platform in the centrepoint. Sit on it
and let the PAs travel around the base of the crane. The first would
hit the glass of the bulb and conclude that the wire is broken and since
then it is an electro's job!
How many grips do you need to change a light bulb?
You should call them in from their fishing-job...
How many grips do you need to change a light bulb?
Just one, and a lot of patience.
How many sound recordists does it take to change
a light bulb?
None, every bulb less is a shadow less...
None, it would make him standing up. |
 Here
are some more gags from this page's longest-standing contributor, Sydney's
Brooke
Wilson, seen here attracting men the only way she knows
how, now a commercials producer and
globetrotting ambassador
for
her country's traditions of temperance and chastity...
Two assistant producers were
walking around on set when one said "Where did you get that great titanium
bike?" The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said "Take what
you want." The first one nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes
probably wouldn't have fitted you".
To the optimist, the glass
is half-full...
To the pessimist, the glass
is half-empty...
To the producer, the glass
is twice as big as it needs to be... |
| Steve
Malis is a soundman at ABC News in Atlanta,
Georgia...
How many producers does it
take to change a light bulb?
Two, no three, no two. |
 John
Bullard is cameraman and chief flapper at
Lip
Flap Productions, Inc. of Atlanta, Georgia and "...has been telling
stories with pictures and sound for more than twenty-eight years."
How many ENG co-ordinators named Elizabeth does
it take to change a light bulb?
"Can't you use available darkness?"
(My first year at ABC News in Washington I was sent on
an ambush interview in a hotel hallway. We used electricians at that
time for lighting. I'm sure you remember those days. We had
this co-ordinator who was working at ABC to pay for her masters degree
in microbiology. When I went to the desk and requested an electrician
for lighting the dark hallway, her response was "can't you use available
darkness?") |
| Frank
Jackdaw, a pseudonymous screenwriter from Buckinghamshire,
says "I didn't want to cheese off any composers I might be working with
in the near future but who did contact me when I clearly wasn't looking
for one!" No chance of that happening here.
How many freelance composers
does it take to change a light bulb?
The light bulb doesn't need changing, but they'll
email you constantly in the hope of sending you examples of them changing
other bulbs.
How many amateur screenwriters
does it take to change a light bulb?
Any number, as most of them will be trying to
fit a screw-in into a bayonet socket, and it's going to be the wrong wattage
anyway. And the wrong colour. |
| Cinematographer,
director and soap opera writer Niranjan
Thade is from Mumbai and says "GREAT SITE!"...
The film fraternity is like monkeys changing
light bulbs up a tree. All on the top see monkeys below
them and all at the bottom see assholes above them. |
| New
Orleans
sound recordist Jeff Colon sends
"Greetings From the Big Easy (the northernmost third world country in America)"...
How many sound recordists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Why worry, they'll just ADR it in post. |
| "Being
a freelance composer, I clearly have a lot of time on my hands"
says Paul Rogers,
who realises that drummers have much in common with sound recordists...
How many drummers does it take to change a light
bulb?
None - it's all done by computers these days.
How many drummers does it take to change a light
bulb?
"Why? Oh, wow, is it, like, dark man?"
How many drummers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Ten - one to hold the bulb and nine to drink until the room spins round.
How many drummers does it take to change a light
bulb?
Just one, so long as the roadie does it for him. |
| CGI
animator Chris Gledhill from
GraphixAsset in Bristol asks...
How many animators does it take to change a light
bulb?
"That depends on the size of your budget." |
 Adam
S Leslie is an extra and screenwriter...
How many extras does it take
to change a light bulb?
About 350. And they'll gripe about having
to turn up so early to change it, they'll gripe about the step ladder and
the person holding it, they'll gripe about the conditions in which they
have to change the bulb, they'll gripe about the uncomfortable 'bulb-changing'
clothes they have to wear, they'll gripe about how long it's taking to
change the bulb and how they just want it to be over so they can go home.
And they'll gripe about not getting enough bulb-changing jobs.
How many bad screenwriters
does it take to change a light bulb?
[beat] One.
How many production drivers
does it take to change that pesky bulb?
Four. And they're going to do it perilously
quickly, and be very very angry about it and everything else.
How many 3rd ADs does it
take to change that bulb?
"Sssh." |
 The
last word goes to sound recordist and complete arse Brian
Powell. Brian was brought up by puffins.
Why did the light bulb cross the
road?
There was an Englishman, a Scotsman
and a light bulb...
Two light bulbs walk into a pub...
I'm not saying my light bulb's
ugly but...
I'm not saying my light bulb's fat,
but I was making love to her last night and I burnt my arse on the mother-in-law"
Sexist, sizeist and bulbist! |
|
How
many sound recordists does it take to change a light bulb?
